Southern Writer and Humorist Kathleen Harper/Southern Humorist

New Book for 2014!!
"NO Bathing Suits Required!
A Personal Collection of Wit, 
Southern Charm and 
Good Old-Fashioned Hissy Fits"!

Here's just a little taste of some of my writings !

 The beauty salon ain't a place for screaming young 'uns....I think that all of them should have a sign on the door, with big bold letters that say "This is not a circus or a side show, so leave the little monkeys at home!" Little "put their hands on everything" need to be placed on a hook...
And to the mamas of these little darlins....NO...I don't want to hold your baby with the poopy diaper while your nails dry....NO...I don't want to take your monkey to the potty while your perm is under the dryer...NO...I'm not gonna take the bubble gum ball out of Little Precious's nose .....:(

If you can't stand cat litter on your socks...get a dog. And ladies...don't get hooked up with a man that doesn't love dogs!  
And if your nosy neighbors wanna ask you "What did your dog do?, and "Are you going to clean that up?"  when you're walking around minding your own business. Just smile...might give them a "not nice" hand gesture and  tell them to "Mind your own damn business, unless you want me to siphon the lawn!!"

I am middle aged and have earned all of my cellulite! And being a "tad fat" ain't too shabby either, so there! Don't send me to a gym...make me put my body into positions that it was not meant to go into or make me sweat and glisten (not ladylike)... the 
"pretzel" is not a good look for me.

If you tell me I dress like a "cougar", I'll either smack you or give you a high five. I love stilettos...and if I wanna scream "Jimmy Choo!" in New York City, I will! They might even call the NYPD for "Irate Choo Shopper...bring some handcuffs and shoe repellant!" And it's highly recommended to take my credit cards into custody. :(

Hot flashes of good ole middleage, make you feel like a neon sign and cause ya to drip down to your panties...makes you say nasty things and become crankier than hell... but what else is new?

My husband drives me nuts!! Don't ask him to help me or send him to the store for the right thing...ask him for skim milk, he says "all they had was fat free, so I got the 2%!" And don't ask him to help you with housework...he'll do it in due time, when his channel flipping, beer drinking and "throne" sitting  are done. And if he says "Why did you call me an asshole?" Just reply "Google it how 'bout it, and pick one!"

Lazy ungrateful "big kids over 21", can fix their own precious dinner if they're sassy to their Momma. Or they can just jog their little butts over to BiLo because they can't use my car, and sandwich themselves to death. So shutting up and saying "yes Ma'am" is highly recommended.

Examples of other just plain sassiness from
"Hot Flashes...

  • Raising a Daughter like Me: Multiply my Sassiness by Two, and my Common Sense by One Half!
  •  Ugly don't just go away...You've gotta work at it!
  • Don't ever make fun of my Southern Accent!
  • Ever had a Cold Fish Handshake from a Boring Twit...
  • Birthdays and Sex are Overrated; I want Tiffany's!
  • My Husband offered to help me...Again!!
  • I'm a "Closet" Goodwill Shopper...and I've got the $3.79 price tag to prove it!
  • Beer cans and baby strollers!
  • No, I don't live in the Pottery Barn house.
        And many, many more!! 

Over 275 pages of truthful stories in each book to tickle any funny bone that you might have...or make you mad enough to want to slap your own Momma! 


My books are available at,,,, and most any site where books are sold!  I'll even send ya a copy, so keep reading!

This page was last updated: September 30, 2014